O.J. Jokes
Did you hear O.J.'s last words to Marcia Clark?
"I'll take care of you after we're married."
Top Ten Things O.J. Noticed When He Got Home
10. It's getting harder and harder to get a date.
9. Kato's entire family has moved into the upstairs level.
8. Shapiro looks better in his frumpy old robe, than in a suit.
7. All the cutlery has been removed from the kitchen and dining room.
6. O.J.'s bed has been moved into that doll house out front.
5. Michael Jackson erected an amusement park where the putting green used to be.
4. Hertz has repossessed the Ford Bronco.
3. Cochran has installed a toll booth at the Rockingham gate.
2. His "little black book" has a new entry : Marcia Clark.
and the number one thing O.J. noticed when he got home:
1. All that bloody clothing is *still* under the bed.
Hertz has decided to use O.J. in a new advertising promotion. The theme will be :
"We get you to your destination with at least an hour to kill!"
"It won't kill you to take the damn glasses back to her."
Did you hear that O.J. is getting married again?
He thought he would take another stab at it!!
Question: What did O.J. say to judge Ito as he was leaving the court?
Answer: Can I have my gloves back?
Question: How many O.J. jurors does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: None of them believe it is broken.
Question: How many L.A. jurors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Unknown. With twelve, they just play with the bulb for a while and conclude it doesn't fit.
Did you hear Ronald Reagan called O.J. to congratulate him on the verdict? Afterward he invited O.J. and Nicole over for dinner next week.
Did you hear about Johnnie Cochran's new game? Pin the Glove on the Honkey
Did you hear O.J. is moving to the Appalachian Mountains? I guess the DNA is all the same.
What do Marsha Clark and Susan Smith have in common?
Neither one got the Juice.
Did you hear they are making a movie out of O.J.'s ordeal? It co-stars John Elway...he plays the part of the slow moving white Bronco.
Question: Why is O.J. Simpson such a good football player?
Answer: Because he cuts to the left, cuts to the right, and then runs like HELL!!!
Ito's statements in ALL CAPS... O.J.'s in lower case.
DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?
DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE?
DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU LEAVE A POOL A BLOOD?
DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?
I did not leave a pool of blood.
I can not even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.
I do not like green eggs and ham
I do not like them Sam I Am
URL for O.J.'s Homepage
http://///nicole///////ron
Question: Why didn't Nicole go out for cocktails the night of the murder?
Answer: She decided to stay home and get ripped.
Question: What could Nicole be for Halloween?
Answer: A Pez dispenser.
Did you hear that Disney have got the rights to make the O.J. life story?
They`re calling it "The Lyin' Coon"
Did you hear that O.J. got a new promo deal with NIKE!
The slogans going to be, Just say you didn't do it!
O.J. has changed his name due to all the bad publicity he has gotten. His new name is Scott Free!
Question: What would Joe Montana have if he murdered three people?
Answer: A new NFL record.
Identify which of these three things have no part in O.J.'s scheme for his life:
1. White women.
2. White Broncos.
3. White juries.
What do Simpson jurors have in common with all vaccuum cleaners?
They all suck...
Some new O.J. endorsements:
-- for Isotoner -- "These gloves fit."
-- for Scotch Guard -- "Won't let blood stains soak through."
-- for Ginsu -- "A knife you can trust. I like the easy grip handle."
-- for American Airlines -- "When you have to get out of town fast, no questions asked."
-- for Sure Deodorant -- "Never let the jury see you sweat."
-- for Hertz -- "We get you through the airport with an hour to kill."
If a juror from the O.J. trial and her husband were to get a divorce, would they still be sister and brother?
As of Friday, June 24, 1994 the Ford Bronco has been officially selected as the vehicle of choice for all felons in the U.S. The conclusive California road test, as seen on national T.V. proved without a doubt that the Bronco can successfully hold off 18 or more police cars, 8 helicopters, and the entire population of the U.S. for more than 1.5 hours, while never exceeding 43 miles per hour. Ask your ford dealer for the new O.J. package. It comes with a .38 caliber pistol, 25 rounds of ammunition, blood resistant upholstery, cellular phone for speed dialing 911, and a former football player blow-up doll. If you act now, Ford will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing Ginzu Knife at no extra charge.
Question: Why was O.J.'s mother so happy that he would be home for Thanksgiving?
Answer: He is the only one in the family who knows how to carve white meat!
Do you know, what Nicole Browns last words were ? (looking outa the window):"I didn't know you were driving a Bronco, Ron. Ron?"
What is difference between O.J. Simpson & Christopher Reeves?
O.J. Simpson walked.
Yeah, but Christoper Reeves can hold his head up !!!
"Screw-ups in the O.J. Simpson Defense"
As presented on the 8/3/95 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Referring to O.J. as "The Meal Ticket" in front of the jury
9. Lately, only asking witnesses how they liked "Waterworld"
8. Demonstrating how difficult it was for O.J. to fit into several of Marcia Clark's outfits
7. Letting F. Lee Bailey conduct cross-examination after happy hour
6. Shouldn't have let O.J. publish book called "I Want to Kill You"
5. Unable to keep a straight face when they say their client is not guilty
4. Asking Judge Ito "where were you on the night of the murders?"
3. Keep mentioning that O.J. wouldn't mind sharing a cell with Hillary Clinton
2. Should've gotten O.J. on the jury -- so he could be dismissed!
1. Keep mispelling DNA
Question: How do we know that Thurman Thomas didn't kill O.J.'s ex-wife?
Answer: Thurman would have fumbled the knife.
O.J. was the first running back to run 2000 yards and the first murderer to run 2000 miles!
B oy B oy B oy B oy I I t I I L ove L ooks L ove L ove L ife L ike L osing L osing S entences S an Quentin S pouses S anity
I heard that O.J. was no longer the prime suspect in the case. The reason being that as an ex-Buffalo Bill, if he were going to murder her, he would have done it the Buffalo Bill way and choked her.
O.J. used to play football. Now it looks like he played sock-her as well!
He's still a great footballer... Still slices up the opposition wherever he finds them!
Question: Did you hear O.J. has refused to play on the prison football team?
Answer: He heard they wanted him to line up in a four-point stance.
Question: Did you hear the Bills fired Marv Levy?
Answer: They felt the team lacked a killer instinct, so they hired O.J. Simpson.
O.J. ran for more yards in one evening than in 8 years with Buffalo.
Question: What was O.J.'s favorite play in the Bills' playbook?
Answer: Cut left, then slash right!
Rumor has it that instead of giving Juice the chair for a guilty conviction, they are going to sentence him to play two more years in Buffalo.
Question: Why did O.J. kill Goldman?
Answer: To prove the Bills could slaughter the competition and not just choke.
Question: Why did O.J. kill his ex?
Answer: He wanted to terminate her free agency.
Question: Why did O.J. go to Chicago after killing two people?
Answer: It was the perfect place for a three-peat!
At the end of the regulation marriage, without any additional scoring, the only thing left was sudden death.
O.J.'s final run, although spectacular, epitomized his career. Just think what he could have done if he had just had some really good blocking.
I heard O.J. tried to kill his wife in Buffalo, but they retired his .32!
More evidence that O.J. didn't kill his ex-wife:
Any man who can sit beside Howard Cosell on Monday Night Football without killing him would never kill anyone.
O.J. was offered a plea bargain. Life in prison without parole, or a season behind the Cleveland Browns line. He took the life sentence.
Question: Did you hear what the longest drive was during the U.S. Open?
Answer: O.J. Simpson - 61 miles.
Question: Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?
Answer: O.J. Simpson.
Heard on one of the New York City radio stations:
"I tried to watch the Knicks game last night, but all I kept seeing were those Ford Bronco commercials."
O.J. play by play:
"Well, there's not much time left, they have to make a big play soon ..."
"Movement in the backfield, It's O.J.! What a move! He breaks away from a pack of defenders, he's going 10, 5. He just might make it."
"He cuts to the 91...now streaks down the 405. They can't catch him!"
"Looks like he's going to make it, and...ooohh....They bring him down in the driveway, just short."
"What a play...One we'll all remember...One for the record books, O.J.'s longest run from skirmish."
O.J. Simpson will go down in history as one of the most versatile players in history:
He entered the NFL as a running back...
He entered prison as a tight end...
And he will leave prison as a wide receiver!
Question: Did you hear that the police are now saying that O.J. moved the bodies after the murders?
Answer: They are accusing him of 2 carries for 58 yards.
The police are now saying that the murder weapon was a set of hedge clippers. O.J.'s lawyers think that instead of getting the death penalty, O.J. will get 15 yards for clipping.
Police are now saying that O.J. is no longer a suspect because they found a Super Bowl ring at the murder scene.
Question: Did you hear experts have already predicted the Super Bowl champion for next season?
Answer: It's going to be the San Quentin prison football team.
Question: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Elway?
Answer: One drives a slow, white Bronco. The other is a slow, white Bronco.
Question: What's the difference between the Dallas Mavericks and O.J. Simpson?
Answer: O.J. has a slow white Bronco and Duke has a slow white Cherokee.
The NFL announced its 75th anniversary team. O.J. Simpson was selected as one of the running backs. When informed of the honor, O.J. could only say that he was glad he'd made the cut...
Question: Did you hear that they've already selected a jury for the O.J. trial?
Answer: They've been looking for someone who won't be needed for the next six months and knows nothing about football, so they selected the Arizona Cardinals coaching staff!
Did you hear that the prosecution has moved to change the venue of the trial? They wanted to move the trial to a place where no one knows football. They chose Houston. No one knows football there.
Did you hear that O.J. Simpson got kicked off the prison softball team?
It seems he kept losing his glove and whenever he went home he carried a knife...
Question: What's OJ's favorite baseball team (besides the Dodgers)?
Answer: The Red Sox!
Question: Remember what a great career O.J. had with the Buffalo Bills?
Answer: Imagine what he could have done with the Sabres!
Question: Did you hear about Hertz's new billboard?
Answer: It's a picture of O.J. Simpson with a caption, "Hertz: For Great Getaways!"
Question: What was Nicole Simpson's last words?
Answer: Stop, O.J.! It Hertz!
Well I don't buy his alibi either. Have you seen the way O.J. moves through an airport? And he's real quick at rental cars too...
I guess everyone in the L.A. Airport thought O.J. was just shooting a new rental car commercial when they saw him running through the airport! Coincidence? I think not!
Did you hear that Hertz Car Rental Agency is changing its name to Killz?
A new Ford Bronco is being marketed to replace the Eddie Bauer model. It is the O.J. model. It comes with storage for your knives and bloody gloves, stain-resistant carpeting, extra fuel capacity for those long trips and a cellular phone. Takes you for the drive of a lifetime.
Question: Did you hear about the new Hertz commercial?
Answer: O.J. is seen running through the airport, jumping over seats and babies in strollers, to catch his plane for Chicago. The rental agent is frantically running after him yelling, "Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson, you forgot your bloody glove!"
Question: Whatever drove O.J. to kill his wife?
Answer: A Hertz Rent-A-Car.
New, from Hertz: The "O.J. Weekend Getaway Special!" Your choice of Bronco, with enough gas to go 70 miles. And you end up at your front door!
The police say a jogger claims to have seen O.J.'s car at the murder scene the night his ex-wife was killed. He should have rented a car from Hertz.
Question: Is O.J. Simpson still the spokesman for Hertz?
Answer: Not exactly.
Actually, I heard that Hertz just renewed O.J.'s contract. Now, he's making license plates for them.
I heard that O.J. lost his Hertz Rental Car endorsement contract, but he has a new endorsement offer. Taco Bell has hired him to, "Run for the Border."
Question: How do we know it wasn't someone from Avis who killed them [Nicole and Ron]?
Answer: Whoever did it sure didn't try very hard.
Now I know why O.J. did all those Hertz commercials: Practice.
I've heard that O.J.'s troubles have resulted in at least one commercial endorsement contract being cancelled.
Apparently it's killed the Ginsu Knife deal!
Naked Gun 44 1/4 - Nordberg gets The Chair!
They are going to remake the movie "The Longest Yard," starring O.J. Simpson as himself.
Question: Did you hear that Hertz dropped O.J.?
Answer: Chicago Cutlery picked him up.
Question: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson movie?
Answer: It's called, "Sex, Knives, and Athletic Tape."
Question: Why did O.J. kill his wife the way he did?
Answer: He was practicing for a part in a new movie: Jock the Ripper
Question: Did you hear about the, "Simpson Special" from Hertz?
Answer: You get a free police escort when you rent a Bronco.
Some Ford dealership had a white Bronco displayed prominently. After Simpson's flight from justice, they put up a sign that read, "As Seen On TV."
Special News Release-----Ford Motor Company-----Detroit, Michigan As of Friday, June 24, 1994 the 1994 Ford Bronco has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice for felons everywhere. The conclusive California road test, seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the 1994 Bronco con successfully hold off 18 or more police cars, 3 helicopters and the entire population of the United States for more than 90 minutes. Imagine how well it works when going over 40 miles an hour! The vehicle works equally well while parked in the driveway of your residence. If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you on a brand new 1995 Ford Bronco. Simply go to your local Ford dealer and ask for the new O.J. Package.Picture yourself leaning comfortably back in your seat listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and the purring of police cars. And, if you act now, we will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing Ginsu Knife at no extra charge. Be the first in your cell block to own the new 1995 Ford Bronco - O.J. Edition. $1500 Down and $259 per month. Tax and registration extra. Defense attorney not included.
Question: What did Mike Tyson have for breakfast?
Answer: Fresh-squeezed O.J.
Looks like they'll be putting the juice to the Juice...
Question: Did you know that O.J. confessed?
Answer: Yeah, they squeezed it out of him.
The real reason that O.J. is being detained by the police is that he does really poorly in the interrogations. You see, O.J. has a problem...
He can't concentrate.
Question: How do you get an electric chair to work?
Answer: Give it the Juice!
After O.J. is sent to prison, all of the inmates will be asking each other, "Have you had your O.J. this morning?"
IMPORTANT Commodities News Flash!
O.J. futures have fallen 12 points...
New cocktail: Bloody Screwdriver
Start with O.J., 1 ounce of bitters, add sliced tomato and chopped fruit.
Question: Hear about the new Bronco drink?
Answer: It consists of a couple of jiggers followed by a bunch of O.J. chasers.
Question: What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in common?
Answer: They both have O.J. in a can.
My mom tried to give me some orange juice this morning. I told her, "No way, mom! O.J. will KILL you!"
Question: What is the difference between Tang and O.J.?
Answer: Tang won't kill you!
Question: Why do they call him O.J.?
Answer: Because he beats the pulp out of his women.
There's a new drink out in the bars now. It's called the Bloody Nicole. It's the same thing as a Bloody Mary but instead of adding tomato juice, you add O.J.!
Question: What was the last thing Nicole said?
Answer: "I should have had a V-8."
Question: Did you hear about the new contract the Florida Orange Juice Association is going to offer O.J. Simpson?
Answer: They'll pay him a million dollars a year for the rest of his life. All they want him to do is change his name to Snapple!
Question: What did O.J. do when he saw the cops in his rearview mirror?
Answer: He froze and concentrated.
Question: Why won't prison be that different for O.J.?
Answer: He will still have big guys opening holes for him.
Question: Why did O.J. Simpson go to Chicago?
Answer: To find a clean towel.
O.J. showed up at his Johnny Cochrane's office wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. Cochrane says, "Why are you dressed like that?" O.J. says, "Didn't you say I was going to Cancun?" To which the Cochrane replies, "No. I said, 'You're going to the can, coon.'"
Headline for the Daily Fishwrap:
THE JUICE NOOSES DEUCE! STILL ON THE LOOSE! By the way, wouldn't it be humorous if they pan the cameras across the crowd at the NBA finals, and there he sat watching the game?
Question: What's black and white and red all over?
Answer: O.J. paying a visit to his ex-wife.
When O.J. gets to prison and converts to the Nation of Islam, he'll of course change his name to O.J.X.
At O.J. Simpson's arraignment yesterday, the prosecutor said "...and we will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr. Simpson committed this crime with malice and forethought," at which point a confused O.J. blurted out, "That's not true! I did it alone!"
Question: Why were the police suspicious after they called O.J. in Chicago?
Answer: He denied that he was the culprit and even suggested that they come to the golf tournament and see how bad his slice was.
Question: Why did O.J. stop at his ex-wife's house on his way to the airport?
Answer: He had some time to kill.
Question: Why did O.J. flee?
Answer: He was mad about not being the Grand Marshall in the Rose Parade.
The defense may claim O.J. was acting on the advice of his marriage counselor. After the last attempt at reconciliation had failed, the counselor told the distraught O.J. to take another stab at it.
Question: What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife?
Answer: "Hey pal, mind if I cut in?"
Question: What is O.J.'s favorite soft drink?
Answer: Orange Slice.
Question: What is O.J.'s motto?
Answer: If you can't beat 'em, stab 'em.
O.J. Simpson got sent to jail and is laying in his cell all depressed. His cellmate says to him, "Hey, it's not all that bad. We have a lot of activities around here. Do you like sports?"
"Hell yeah," says O.J.
"Do you like football?"
"Hell yeah," says O.J.
"You'll like Mondays then. Do you like baseball?"
"Hell yeah," says O.J.
"Great! You'll love Wednesdays then. Are you gay?"
"Hell no!" says O.J.
"Damn, I guess you'll hate Fridays."
O.J. is introduced to his new cellmate, a huge, nasty-looking guy doing consecutive life sentences. He says to O.J., "Look here, we gonna get somethin' straight right off da bat. Are you gonna be da husband oh da wife?"
O.J. says, "What?!"
The guy gets real mad and says, "Are you gonna be da husband or da wife?!"
O.J. thinks fast. If he says "wife," he reasons, he'll get it up the wazoo in a matter of nanoseconds.
O.J. says, "I'll be the husband."
The guy then says, "Okay then. Now get down on yo knees and suck yo wife's d***!"
Question: What did O.J.'s kids get him for a present?
Answer: A shiny, new suicide watch.
Finally, a solution to the trial!! To find out who killed Nicole, simply take the date of her death (6/12/1994), and add up all of the digits (6+1+2+1+9+9+4). The answer is 32, which is O.J. Simpson's number when he played for the Bills. Does Judge Ito know this!?
Question: What do O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson have in common?
Answer: They are both missing a glove.
Question: What did Michael Jackson say to O.J. Simpson?
Answer: "Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids."
Question: What's the difference between Rodney King and O.J. Simpson?
Answer: O.J. started out with millions.
Question: Do you know why O.J. drove around as long as he did?
Answer: He was waiting for a call from Dr. Kevorkian!
Question: What's the difference between Ryne Sandberg and O.J. Simpson?
Answer: Ryne lost his killer instinct and O.J. found it.
Question: Did you hear John Wayne Bobbit called O.J. last night?
Answer: He wanted O.J. to know that he knows what it feels like to be separated from a loved one.
Question: What do you get when you put Lorena Bobbit, Tammy Faye, and O.J. Simpson in the same room?
Answer: A butcher, a Bakker and a license plate maker.
Question: Why did O.J. sit in the Bronco for so long?
Answer: Because Rodney King called him and told him not to get out of the car.
Question: Why did O.J. finally get out of the Bronco?
Answer: He saw Susan Smith and was afraid she was going to push him into the pool.
Question: What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and O.J. Simpson?
Answer: O.J. only ate one of his victims.
Question: What do O.J. and Pee-Wee Herman have in common?
Answer: They were both arrested for abusing their loved ones.
Question: Did you hear that Joey Buttafuoco went to visit O.J. in prison?
Answer: He told O.J. that he should have had his girlfriend do it.
Question: What did O.J. say to Larry Bird and Michael Jordan?
Answer: "Out of the Bronco...Over the driveway...Into the house...Out the backyard... Down the street...To the condo...Nothin' but neck."
Question: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Wayne Bobbit?
Answer: O.J. can still get off.
Question: What do Shaquille O'Neal and O.J. Simpson have in common?
Answer: They both spend a lot of time at court.
Here's my favorite of today's bunch broadcast on Comedy Central:
"If a former pro football player had to kill his wife, why couldn't it have been Frank Gifford?"
Sarah Brady sent a letter to O.J.:
Dear O.J.,
I'm very disappointed in you. Why didn't you use a gun?
Heard (in a Carnac routine) on the Howard Stern show:
"In jail, on Fox, underground...Where do you find the Simpsons?"
Question: What do you get when you mix O.J. Simpson, Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Tonya Harding?
Answer: Killer sex that will bring you to your knees!
Question: What would you have if O.J. was put in a cell with David Koresh and Jeffrey Dahmer?
Answer: You'd have a complete breakfast: serial, toast, and O.J.
Question: What is the difference between O.J. and David Letterman?
Answer: There is absolutely nothing funny about David Letterman.
Greatest marketing idea of the century:
His & Hers knives endorsed by O.J. Simpson and Lorena Bobbitt.
(Imagine a screeching Jimi Hendrix guitar intro)
O.J., where are going with that knife in your hand?
I said O.J., where are you going with that knife in your hand?I'm gonna cut my ole lady up, I caught her messin' round with another man.
I'm gonna cut my ole lady up, you know I caught her messin' round with another man.O.J., I heard you cut your old lady up.
I said O.J., I heard you cut your old lady up.Yes I cut her, I caught her messin', messin' round town.
Yes I cut her, y'know I caught her messing round town.
AND I GIVE HER THE KNIFE!!!!!(Guitar solo)
O.J., where are you gonna run to now?
I said O.J., where are you gonna run to now?I'm going up north, way up north, Chicago way.
I'm goin' up north, way up north, Chicago way.(Guitar solo and fade out.)
Question: Did you hear that F. Lee Bailey was mad at Shapiro?
Answer: He even told one reporter, "I'm going to sue that SOB for everything O.J. has!
When Martha Clark asked Kato Kaelin where he had been between 9 and 11, Kato replied, "Third grade."
Question: What's the only thing worse than being married to Lorena Bobbitt?
Answer: Being divorced from O.J. Simpson!
Question: What do O.J. and Christopher Reeve have in common?
Answer: Both have left blood on the Bronco.
Answer: Neither can ride a white Bronco without taking a fall.
There's good news and bad news today:
The bad news is that it has been reported that the Simpson jury is going to acquit O.J.
The good news is that Susan Smith is going to drive him home.
Question: Why can't Heidi Fleiss and O.J. Simpson play golf together?
Answer: Because Heidi Fleiss is a hooker and O.J. Simpson is a slicer!!
Houston schlockjocks on morning radio used the following subject:
Good prison names for O.J.
Only heard a couple... O.rifice J.amboree got my vote.
Question: What does O.J. stand for?
Answer:Obdurate Jerk Objective Jury? Obligatory Jokes Obsessively Jealous Obstinate Jealousy Obstreperous Journey Odorous Journalism Often Joked Oh, Jailer! Open Jugular Orange Jumpsuit Out Joyriding Outlaw Jock Outlook: Jail Outta Job Orenthal Jailed
Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer:
- They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it.
- If he murdered her, it would Hertz his advertising career.
- The Juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but never beating the pulp out of her.
- It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but everyone has seen O.J. concentrate.
- The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows that O.J. could never cut to the left.
Question: Have you heard about the new children's game?
Answer: It's called, "Where's O.J.?"
Question: What is O.J.'s favorite song?
Answer: 'I Used to Love Her But I Had to Kill Her' by Guns 'n' Roses.
'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin
'Run to the Hills' by Iron Maiden
'911 - It's a Joke' by Public Enemy
'I Can't Drive 55' by Sammy Hagar
'The First Cut is the Deepest' by Rod Stewart
'Love Hurts' by Nazareth
'If You Want To Be Happy For the Rest of Your Life (Never Make A Pretty Woman Your Wife)' by Jimmy Soul
'Cuts Like a Knife' by Bryan Adams
'Hurts So Good' by John Cougar Mellencamp
'Cuts Both Ways' by Gloria Estefan
'Love Kills' by Vinny Vincent Invasion (sung by Slaughter, how appropriate! :)
'Love is a Killer' By Vixen
Question: What is O.J.'s favorite musical group?
Answer: Slayer
Drivin' and Cryin'
Suicidal Tendencies
Public Enemy
There once was a fellow named Simpson,
Who ran away covered in crimson.
After carving his wife,
With a "substantial knife,"
Said the cops, "What you did was quite grim, son."
Question: What are the three worst words to hear from O.J. Simpson?
Answer: I love you.
Question: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson breakfast special?
Answer: It's eggs, steak and prune juice. First, you beat it, then you stab it with a knife, then you get the runs.
Someone has stepped forward to be O.J.'s alibi. Apparently, he was seen waiting to be seated at a local Denny's restaurant.
Question: What do the state of California and Taco Bell have in common?
Answer: They are two things that can give O.J. gas.
Question: How is having sex with a prostitute similar to dating O.J. Simpson's ex-wife?
Answer: In either case, if the Trojan snaps you're dead.
Question: What's the difference between a paralyzed miner and O.J. Simpson?
Answer: One's a numb digger...
Question: Why did O.J. stab his wife?
Answer: Because he checked his gun with his baggage and the airline lost it.
It's one thing to kill your ex-wife, but another thing entirely to take a victory lap around the city afterword.
Question: What's the last thing O.J. said to Nicole Simpson?
Answer: Your waiter will be with you shortly...
A: Knock Knock.
B: Who's there?
A: O.J.
B: O.J. Who?
A: You have just qualified to be a member of the jury!
Is it true that O.J. was last seen chasing a one-armed man?
There once was a sports legend named O.J.,
Whose old lady told him to go away.
He slashed up his wife,
With a fifteen-inch knife,
And then led a parade on the freeway!
Question: Why did O.J. change his long distance carrier from AT&T?
Answer: Because he knew he had to Sprint!
Question: What are two things that O.J. has that every man wants?
Answer: A Heisman Trophy and a dead wife.
Question: What did Ron say to Nicole when they got to heaven?
Answer: "Here's your damn glasses! Thanks a lot!"
Question: What does O.J. have in common with the statue of Venus DiMilo?
Answer: Neither is considered armed any more.
As a long-time UCLA fan, it's obvious to me what O.J.'s lawyers will use as a defense:
"Members of the jury, what can you expect? He went to USC!"
Question: What do O.J. and Tampax have in common?
Answer: They both come in white boxes and leave a bloody mess.
After looking all over LA, they finally found 12 people who have never seen O.J. Simpson, never heard of O.J. Simpson, and have no idea who O.J. Simpson is or was. They're all professors at USC!
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: It didn't want to get run over by a white bronco.
Question: Why did Ron Goldman dump Nicole Simpson?
Answer: Because she couldn't swallow.
Question: What were Ron Goldman's last words?
Answer: "Say, aren't you O.J. Simpson?"
Question: What do a basketball court and a judicial court have in common?
Answer: The white folks sit on the bench.
Question: Why did O.J. go to Nicole's house before he went to the airport?
Answer: It was his last chance to split her uprights!
O.J. is U.S.C. - Up S*** Creek...
Question: What are O.J.'s favorite movies?
Answers: "Death Becomes Her"
"The Terminator"
"Heaven Can Wait"
"Blade Runner"
From the Tonight show a few days ago: "O.J. went into the hopsital for a biospy. When the doctor pulled out his scalpel O.J. said, "You call that a knife?!"
Question: What's harder than squeezing blood from a turnip?
Answer: Squeezing O.J. from a Bronco.
The jury selection in the O.J. trial has begun. Rumor has it that potential jurors who weren't selected are being issued T-Shirts that say, "O.J. Jury Reject - Didn't Make the Cut."
Here is an action joke about O.J.
Imagine someone walking around with his hands together behind his back wiggling his fingers.
That person then askes: "What is this?"
Answer: "O.J. Simpson signing autographs."
Question: Why didn't Nicole's other boyfriends go down on her?
Answer: Because they knew the Juice would kill them.
Question: What was the last thing Nicole said to O.J.?
Answer: Yeah, I'm sc***ing the waiter! What are you going to do about it?
Question: Did you here about the new Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor?
Answer: It's called White Bronco: Vanilla with two chocolate-covered nuts inside.
Al Cowlings: O.J., my man! Haven't seen you in a while. How's Nicole?
O.J.: I think she's dead.
A.C.: What do you mean you think she's dead?
O.J.: I dunno. The sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up in the sink.
Question: Why did O.J. make that now-famous run in the Bronco?
Answer: He figured it would be a long time before he would be able to take an exciting ride inside anything white again.
Robert Shapiro has come up with a new defense for O.J. He's following Lorena Bobbit's example and will say that O.J. was not trying to slit his wife's throat, but rather was trying to cut off Goldman's d***.
Question: What does BRONCO stand for?
Answer: Black Repeat Offender Needs Car Operator.
From Jay Leno's monologue:
Did you hear O.J. has his own Christmas wish list? He asked Santa for a brand new set of DNA.
Question: What did Santa Claus bring O.J. for Christmas?
Answer: New gloves, a ski mask, a new hunting knife and a bottle of stain remover.
Question: Did you hear O.J. is coming out with a new movie?
Answer: It's called, "It WAS a Wonderful Life."
Another Jay Leno joke:
"Man that Johnnie Cochran is a smooth talking lawyer... even O.J. thinks he's innocent!"
We heard that after watching the Superbowl, O.J. commented it was the second worst massacre he'd ever seen...
Question: Did you here O.J. is merchandizing to help pay for his defense?
Answer: There's a problem with the watches, though. There seems to be an hour missing from 10:00pm to 11:00pm.
Question: Why would O.J. make a good stand-up comedian?
Answer: He always kept Nicole in stitches!
Question: What is the difference between Kato the dog and Kato Kaelin?
Answer: One is a long-haired, mangy mutt who is a witness in the Simpson case and the other is a dog.
Question: What do Nicole Bown Simpson and the Australian Yacht in the America's cup have in common?
Answer: They both went down in under 2 1/2 minutes.
Question: What was the last thing Nicole Brown ever saw?
Answer: Just teeth and eyeballs!
To the tune of, "Must be Santa Claus"Who shopped around for a special knife?
OJ shopped around for a special knife!
Who was late to catch his flight?
OJ was late to catch his flight!
Late for flight!
Special knife!
Must be OJ ... must be OJ ... must be OJ ... OJ Simpson!Who said, "So I killed the b***h?"
OJ said, "So I killed the b***h!"
Who screamed it out, in front of a snitch?"
OJ screamed it out, in front of a snitch!
Heard by snitch!
Killed the b***h!
Late for flight!
Special knife!
Must be OJ ... must be OJ ... must be OJ ... OJ Simpson!Who fled the cops in a white Bronco?
OJ fled the cops in a white Bronco!
Who's got a hundred cops in a tow?
OJ's got a hundred cops in a tow!
Cops in tow!
White Bronco!
Heard by snitch!
Kill the b***h!
Late for flight!
Special knife!
Must be OJ ... must be OJ ... must be OJ ... OJ Simpson!
Don't know if you've heard, but Shapiro is in a lot of trouble. It seems that he's been sneaking hookers into O.J.'s cell. He got one in last night, and she and O.J. were goin' at it. Afterward she told O.J., "I've got some good news and some bad news."O.J. says, "I'm in prison, I'm up on murder charges. I think I've had just about all the bad news I can handle. What's the good news?"
"You're four inches longer than Magic."
With the air conditioner on in the courtroom, it got so cold that O.J. asked for his hat and glove back.
Question: Did you hear they found the murder weapon for the OJ Simpson trial?
Answer: It's a six-foot spade.
Jack Diamond in Diamond in the Morning - WMIX 107.3FM, Washington, DC:Woodpeckers have drilled 135 holes into the Space Shuttle external fuel tank. To put things into perspective, that's almost as many holes as O.J. Simpson's alibi.
Joke told recently in Judge Ito's's courtroom. One of O.J. Simpson's lawyers approaches his client. "I have good news and bad news," he says."Which do you want to first?"
"The bad news," O.J. says.
"The bad news is that it is your blood all over the crime scene, that the DNA proves it."
"So what's the good news?" O.J. asks.
"The good news is that your cholesterol is only 130."
What is noteworthy is not the joke itself but who was telling it, where, how and to whom. Much to the chagrin of O.J.'s lawyers, it was told by Judge Ito himself, in his robe, at the bench, to Johnnie Cochran during a break in the trial.
Question: Why does Marcia Clark wear mini-skirts in court?
Answer: She wants to win the Simpson case on appeal.
Johnnie Cochran: O.J., all this blood evidence is very damaging. We've got to get a change of venue to West Virginia.
O.J.: How come?
J.C.: Because, in West Virginia, everybody has the same DNA!
Dennis Miller to Jay Leno: "The O.J. trial's gone on for so long that Johnnie Cochran and Robert Shapiro have been able to shed their skins three times since it began."
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
-- Samuel Johnson to an aspiring writerYour testimony is both good and truthful, but the part that is good is not truthful, and the part that is truthful is not good.
-- Marcia Clark to Mark Fuhrman
I heard a new Mark Fuhrman beer is being released. It has no head and a long red neck.
Top Ten Simpson Jury Food Suggestions:
10. Ito's burritos.
9. Marcia's marshmallows.
8. Johnnie's didnotdonuts and whoddunits.
7. Grilled chicken a la Andrea Mazzola.
6. Shapiro's misfortune cookies.
5. Det. Fuhrman's baked Idaho potato.
4. Dr. Golden's stomach contents.
3. The Real Killer's peppermint patsy.
2. Buffalo bills.
1. McGuffins.
Question: What did O.J. say to Judge Ito after the verdict?
Answer: "Hey, great! Can I get my hat and gloves back now?"
Question: What did Mike Tyson say to the O.J. jury?
Answer: "Where were you when I needed you?"
Question: Did you hear O.J. is getting married again?
Answer: I hope he doesn't get confused and cuts the bride and kisses the cake.
A few months after the trial, some tourists are the in deepest jungles of New Guinea, when they happen upon a small village with a main street and various shops. As they walk down the street window-shopping, they come to a shop with a sign in the window: "BRAINS ON SALE." Curious, they go in and look in the display case and see trays of brains.Japanese brains - $4.15 lb.
German brains - $4.20 lb.
Canadian brains - $4.15 lb.
O.J. Jury brains - $12.50 oz.Curious about the big price difference in the last batch, they ask the shop keeper to explain, where upon he replies, "The O.J. jury brains were never used!"
Top 10 Slogans Almost Used By Johnny Cochran:10. If the victim is white, acquittal is right!
9. O.J. Simpson is so very nice, it was a fluke that he happened to cut himself twice!
8. Those bumps on the wall were caused by a ghost! Forget about Kato, he's as dumb as a post!
7. If you acquit, you will not lose face. Ignore all his blood that's all over the place!
6. O.J. could not have done it; he was asleep in his nightie. Forget about Goldman; he's only a whitey!
5. You might be attacked, but please do not fear. The entire black caucus will stand up and cheer!
4. If you look at the facts and just cannot face it. Remember Mark Furman's a terrible racist!
3. Because of O.J.'s money, the playing field's level. Let's send a message to the white devil!
2. Please have no guilt, not even a fraction. White man did it to us, this is affirmative action!
1. FACTS ARE FOR UNCLE TOMS !!!
Some O.J. Haikus:A hostile witness,
his career halted by THIS,
stutters and stammers.Bark, Akita, bark!
They're dead and he ran away.
Now go eat some food.If the gloves don't fit,
You must acquit. If they do,
You still must acquit.He bought her a pair
Of rounder and larger breasts...
No knife marks on those.Evidence mountain,
Such a hard mountain to climb.
One slip, acquittal.
Question: What's the difference between O.J. and American justice?
Answer: O.J. is free.
Question: What's the difference between John F. Kennedy and Nicole Simpson?
Answer: We're not 100% sure who killed J.F.K.
Question: How many O.J. jurors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: None. They voted that it was, "not dark."
Question: What did O.J. say when someone finally asked him where he was between 9 and 11 pm?
Answer: "Second grade."
Question: What do O.J. and fireworks have in common?
Answer: Both have killed in the past, but they still get let off.
Question: Would it have been funny if O.J. was convicted?
Answer: Yeah, it would've been a riot!!
Question: Did you hear that O.J. is endorsing a new margarine product?
Answer: It's called, "I Can't Believe I'm Not Guilty!"
Sony also signed him to a deal to hawk their Walkmans.
Question: Did you hear that O.J. got a new promotional deal with Nike?
Answer: The slogan is going to be, "Just Say You Didn't Do It!"
Question: Did you hear that O.J. is going to endorse a new children's game?
Answer: It's called, "Pin the glove on the Honkey!"
Question: New definitions for O.J.:
Outta Jail Owned Jury Ornery Jackal Ominous Jealousy Oppressive Jerk Obsessed Judge Oblique Jury Outwitted Jury Obtuse Jury Overly Jealous Obvious Jerk Oblivious Jury Outran Jail Outwitted Justice Outta Jokes?
Question: What was the real reason that O.J. cancelled the interview?
Answer: He couldn't answer the question, "O.J., do you mind if we strap this lie detector to your chest?"
Question: What do Mark Fuhrman and O.J. have in common?
Answer: Neither one of them likes to hang out with black folks.
How can you forget the #1 O.J. Simpson song in your list?
"Backstabbers" by the O'Jays (#1 in 1972)Other Songs:
"Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas
"Some Guys Have All the Luck"
"Sunday, Bloody Sunday"
I just bought the new O.J. modem,... it takes 5 minutes to download a file, and then tries to convince you it must have taken a lot longer.
Question: What's the difference between the Simpson Trial and the Super Bowl?
Answer: Both had over 50 million viewers, but only one has seen a Buffalo Bill win!
GREEN EGGS AND SHAM - A children's book of the Simpson Trial
(based on actual court transcripts of the O.J. Simpson murder trial.)Would you could you kill your wife?
Would you, could you with a knife?"I would not, could not, with a knife,
would not, could not, kill my wife."Would you, could you, with a shovel?
Would you, could you, in a brothel?"I would not, could not, with a shovel,
would not, could not, in a brothel.
I would not, could not, with a knife,
would not, could not, kill my wife.Did you drop your bloody gloves?
Did you drop them, by the shrubs?"I did not drop my bloody gloves,
I did not drop them by the shrubs."Did you speed off in your truck?
Did you think you'd have such luck?"I did not speed off in my truck,
I did not think I'd have such luck.
I did not drop my bloody gloves,
I did not drop them by the shrubs.
I would not, could not with a knife,
I would not, could not kill my wife.Did you leave some DNA?
Tell us, tell us, dear O.J."I did not leave my DNA,
Will you please just go away!"Jury, Jury, go and talk,
Decide to jail or let him walk."We think there is no need to repent,
it's clear that he is innocent.
He would not, could not with a knife,
He would not, could not kill his wife.""Your acquittal means so much,
let me tell, I'm deeply touched!
But I have some more to say,
listen - turn your ears this way!
I did leave some DNA!
Fingerprints of old O.J.!
Yes, I sped off in my truck,
yes, I had terrific luck!
Yes, I dropped my bloody gloves,
dropped them in the bloody shrubs!
I did kill her with a knife!
I did kill her, kill my wife!
I did stab her with a shovel!
I would do it at a brothel!
I would kill them here or there!
I would kill them anywhere!"
O.J. Poem:O.J. Simpson took a knife,
And slit the throat of his ex-wife;
When he saw a witness there,
he killed him to without a care.
Question: What was O.J.'s first meal after being released?
Answer: Chicken, white and well-battered.
Question: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Colonel Sanders?
Answer: Colonel Sanders kills his chicks before he batters them.
The O.J. Trial, as told by The Cat in the HatI did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her in the head.
I did not know that she was dead.I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Leave it be!When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was gashed from broken glass.
I cut my hand upon a glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.My friend, he took me for a ride.
All through L.A., from side to side.
From North to South, we took a ride.
But from the cops, I could not hide.And now we've been here for a year.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
The DNA, the hem and haw.
The circus-hype the viewers saw.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
And lawyers charge by the hour, I fear.If I'm found "Guilty," I'll appeal.
Appeal! Appeal! I will appeal!
I'll wheedle and whine; I'll cut a deal!
If it's "Not Guilty," so glad I'll feel.
Yet Another Dr. Seuss Gag:DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?
DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE?
DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.DID YOU LEAVE A POOL OF BLOOD?
DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?I did not leave a pool of blood.
I can not even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.
Question: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Christopher Reeve?
Answer: Christopher Reeve stood for truth, justice, and the American Way. O.J. stands for lies and injustice, the American Way.
Question: Did you hear O.J. wrote a sequel to his book, "I Want to Tell You?"
Answer: It's called, "Don't Make Me Tell You Again, B****!"
In a surprise announcement, Bob Dole held a press conference this morning to announce that O.J. Simpson has joined the Dole ticket and will run for Vice President. Their campaign slogan will be, "We'll kill the opposition and slash the budget!"
The Grateful Dead have invited O.J. to join the band and replace Jerry Garcia. During their first session together, it's expected that they'll be recording the classic, "Mack the Knife"
Question: What was the first thing O.J. said when the verdict was read?
Answer: "You mean I got away with it?"
Question: What was the first thing that Johnnie Cochran said to the jury forewoman?
Answer: "Thanks, Mom!"
Question: What was the first thing that the jury forewoman said to Johnnie Cochran?
Answer: "I expect that check in my account first thing in the morning!"
Newsweek and CNN surveyed the jury and found that:9 of the 12 members believe that Elvis is still alive.
11 of the 12 members believe the world is flat.
6 of the 12 members believe that Adolph Hitler committed the murders and Mark Fuhrman was simply covering up.
Reporter: "O.J. Now you're free... what are your plans?"
O.J.: "Get a bigger knife and O.J. Marcia Clark..."
Question: What did O.J. say to Marcia Clark?
Answer: "I'm innocent, I tell you. And, I've got the money to prove it!"
O.J. meets Lizzie Borden:O.J. Simpson took a knife,
Gave forty slashes to his wife.
When he saw what he had done,
He gave Ron Goldman forty-one!
O.J.'s old team, the Buffalo Bills, celebrated a little early. On Monday Night they beat the Browns, too!
Question: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson screen saver for Windows 95?
Answer: When it launches, it hangs your system for a year.
O.J. Anagrams:"Orenthal Simpson"=
"Sportsman in hole"
"Morons help saint" (a reference to his legal team?)
"This so non-pale Mr.""Judge Lance Ito"=
"DNA? Let 'Juice' go!""The OJ Simpson Trial"=
"Jail this moron pest"
The O.J. SongO.J.! O.J.! What'd you do?
Killed a white girl and her boyfriend, too!
Hacked and sliced, then drove away!
Got tried in court, the American way!A black, a white, and a Jew,
Went in to court to represent you!
Had a race card they did play,
The jury bought it and you walked away!
After winning his acquittal, O.J. was overheard speaking to Johnnie and said that he would seek out and find the real killer of Nicole.Johnnie replied, "That's great, but you had better take all of the mirrors out of your house first."
Question: What's O.J.'s motto?
Answer: Life's a b****, and then you stab one.
Question: What is the NRA's new motto?
Answer: Remember: guns don't kill people, O.J. kills people.
They asked the Pope if he thought O.J. was guilty.
He replied, "Am I Catholic?"
Question: What is the world's worst golf foursome?
Answer: O.J. Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Susan Smith, and Greg LouganisO.J. is always slicing,
Heidi is always hooking,
Susan is always in the water,
And Greg is always in the wrong hole!
Question: Did you hear about the new O.J. ride at Disney Land?
Answer: It's a dollar to get on, but $5 million to get off.
The murders occured June 12th 1994.
It can also be written as 6/12/1994.
Add the individual digits up... 6 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 9 + 9 + 4
You get O.J.'s number, 32. Coincidence? I think not!
Question: Why has Paula Barbieri been seen drinking out of plastic cups?
Answer: Because L.A. waiters are afraid to bring her glasses.
O.J. played golf yesterday and said he that had no problem with slicing. And did you hear he didn't use a golf cart? He's used to walking.
O.J.'s web site: http://\//(home)$$$$(esc)
Question: What's the difference between Mark Fuhrman and a black woman?
Answer: A black woman can't get O.J. off.
Question: What do Mark Furhman and Peter McNeeley have in common?
Answer: Neither was able to plant a glove on a black man.
O.J.'s email address: oj@wife.ron.esc.trial.free
Hey, hang on to your receipt for that O.J. Simpson Halloween costume you bought. The company that makes them is having a recall... It seems the gloves don't fit and they couldn't find the knife.
Question: What do you have when you have Helen Keller, Stevie Wonder, and the O.J. Simpson jury?
Answer: Fourteen people who can't see worth a damn!
The bars in California don't serve screwdrivers anymore. The vodka is OK, but the O.J. will kill ya.
Even more O.J. Limericks:An L.A. policeman named Mark
Was searching around in the dark
And he found O.J.'s knife
After he butchered his wife
And planted it just for a lark!The defendant was a big, dumb, dope
They should have hung him from a rope
With the glamour and money of network TV
The jury of idiots set him free
But legally he's still on a tightrope!"You're a racist!" they said to Fuhrman
"You're a pig and a scum and a vermin!"
We set O.J. free
As easy as one, two, three,
Our verdict was predetermined!There once was a man they called, "Juice"
Was acquitted and's now on the loose.
So please hide those knives
And protect your wives,
And hope he won't ever use a noose.
Four reasons why O.J. likes golf so much:
- He can hit white things
- He can play a lie
- He can slice and get away with it
- He gets to wear tight gloves
MicroSoft has offered O.J. as position with the company. They can always use good hackers.
Question: Have you heard that Johnnie Cochran has a new job?
Answer: He's getting a driver's license for Stevie Wonder.
Question: Have you heard about the OJ sandwich?
Answer: It's full of bologna, hard to swallow, but a lot of fools are still buying it!!
( to the tune of, "The Gambler" )You gotta know when to grab them,
You've gotta know how to stab them,
You gotta know when Nicole is dead,
And when to go get Ron.Better watch your finger
Or the DNA will get you
Did you leave your limo runnin'
While the deed was done?
Another OJ Haiku:deaf white folks, crooked
cops, backward justice, still
surprised? open your eyes!
O.J. has died and is in the transition zone between Heaven and Hell and as he is walking along the path, he sees that the road splits ahead of him, to the left, it descends down into Hell and to the right, it ascends up into Heaven. In the middle of the road sits St. Peter, at a desk piled high with papers.As O.J. approaches the desk he looks at St. Peter and states, "I'm O.J. Simpson." St. Peter looks at O.J. and says, "I know, go on down to your left."
O.J. states, "Wait a minute, I said I am O.J. Simpson. I was a great football player. I was an All-American at USC. I was a Heisman Trophy Winner in college. I played in the professional football in the NFL. I am in the Professional Football Hall of Fame."
St. Peter looks at O.J. and states, "I know, go on down to your left."
O.J. in a panic states, "Wait a minute, what have I done to deserve the eternal punishment of Hell."
St. Peter looks a O.J. and states, "God said, 'Thou shalt not Kill.' That is one of the Ten Commandments."
O.J. states, "Wait a minute, I had a trial and I was found "Not guilty" by a jury of my peers."
St. Peter looks at O.J. and states, "Yes I know, go on down to your left, your jurors are down there waiting for you."
As O.J. starts his descent into Hell, he looks back at St. Peter and St. Peter states, "Oh, and by the way, Mark Fuhrman was by here yesterday and he's down there looking for you."
Question: Why were some people in LA dissappointed by the OJ verdict?
Answer: They already had new TV sets picked out!
LANCE ITO'S SIDEBAR AND GRILL
Appetizers
If you have an hour to kill, please join us for dinnerRosa Lopez Nachos.........................$3.95
Spicy, with a thick Mexican accent.
Nachos haven't been this good since, well, we can't remember!Salads
Kato Salad................................$3.95
An empty head of lettuce, with very little dressing.From the Bar
Ron Goldman Wine..........................$3.95
Young vintage, good body. But you have to bring your own glasses.Paula Barbieri Cocktail...................$3.95
OJ with a little honey on the side. Goes down real easy.Marcia Clark Beer.........................$1.95
We thought we had a case, but now we're not sure.Sandwiches
Simpson Alibi Sandwich....................$4.25
Full of bologna, hard to swallow, but lots of stupid people are buying it!Soup
Soup DuJury...............................$4.95
Aged for over a year. May be bitter.From the Grill
Mark Fuhrman Chicken Plate................$5.95
Absolutely no dark meat.Dennis Fung Plate.........................$5.95
Grilled detective, served open face. May be contaminated.Dessert
Sorry, our bakery is TEMPORARILY CLOSED. The lawyers have taken all of the dough.
Top Ten OJ Trial Juror Pet Peeves
From: Late Show with David Letterman (top ten list for 3/3/95)
10. Marcia Clark's mini-skirts not mini enough!9. F. Lee Bailey always hogging the pizza!
8. Keep getting in trouble for carving "Wapner Rules" into conference room table!
7. With all the O.J. stories removed, "National Enquirer" only half a page long!
6. Jury room almost as cold as Ed Sullivan Theater!
5. Keep running out of quarters for Magic Fingers jury seat!
4. Hard to listen to all that "blah-blah-blah" when you're trying to catnap!
3. It's been over a month, and we still ain't met Matlock!
2. Due to bureaucratic mix-up your conjugal visit is with Richard Simmons!
1. O.J. might wind up serving less time than us!
1995 Oscar Winners -- OJ Specials!!
Best supporting actor : Brian "Kato" Kaelin Best supporting actress : Rosa Lopez Best direction : Johnny Cochrane, Rober Shapiro (tie) Best editing : Judge Ito Best screenplay/script : Detective Fuhrman Best music : Can't You Feel The Prove tonight, from the Liar King Best sound effects : True Lies Best visual effects : The Mask Best cinematography : Speed Best documentary : Coop Dreams Best adaptation : OJ's alibi
The Ballad of OJ Simpson
A parody sung to the tune of, "The Ballad of Lizzie Borden"
Yesterday out in Los Angeles, Nicole and Ronald died.
Original Tune By: Chad Mitchell Trio, 1961
And they busted OJ Simpson on a charge of homicide.
Well, he might not have done it, but the media thinks he did,
And Michael Jackson's volunteered ... to take care of the kids!'Cause you can't cut your exes up in California,
Contrary to all popular belief.
No, you can't cut your exes up in California,
You know it's gonna cause a lot of grief.Well, he might have used a razor, 'cause the airline list his gun,
But he didn't use a hatchet, 'cause THAT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE!
Now poor OJ's in the jailhouse, and they're looking for the knife.
For just ten million dollars, he might get off with life!'Cause you can't cut up your exes in California,
And then blame all the damage on the heat.
No, you can't cut up your exes in California,
With evidence upon the Bronco seat!You can sell a ton of crack and the cops will turn their back.
You can rape and burn and loot; they don't want another suit.
\ You can peddle phony stock like they do in Little Rock,
But you can't turn your ex into a Pez Dispenser.
California is a far cry from DC!No, you can't cut up your exes in California,
And then go out and drive around the town!
No, you can't cut up your exes in California,
It's almost sure to make the jury frown!
The Kato Song
Originally seen on Comedy Central
KAY-to...KAAAAY-to!
OJ's house is now Kato's home.Kato live with Nicole rent-free.
(OJ say "Live rent-free with me.")
Hear the thumping on the AC.
(Daylight come, meet LAPD.)Come Mr. Houseboy, take the witness stand.
(Make me late for porno movie.)
Did you see cut on OJ's hand?
(Tonight I'm guest host on MTV.)KAY-to...KAAAAY-to!
OJ's house is now Kato's home.
KAY! Mister KAAAY-to...
OJ's house is now Kato's home.I'm Kato, OJ's dimwit flunky.
(Hunger come and we eat french fry.)
Marcia say we cokehead junkies.
(Medium drink and two homicides.)KAY-to...KAAAAY-to!
OJ's house is now Kato's home.
This is the latest O.J. Simpson parody written by Anthony Gabriele
Day 1028 in the OJ Simpson Trial
(or, for those of you who don't know, December 13, 2007)
Baliff: All rise: The people versus Mr. OJ Simpson, the honorable Judge Lance Ito presiding.Judge Ito: (Being helped in by two youthful officials of the Greater Los Angeles Police Department) Yeah, yeah, siddown. I now call to order... Zzzz...
Newscaster: Judge Ito appears to have fallen asleep for the 324th time this week in the middle of a sentence.
Ito: Hey, I heard that! Did not!
Newscaster: Did too!
Ito: Not!
Newscaster: Too!
Defense: Objection, your honor!
Ito: What is it now??!
Defense: The defense objects to not being included in this argument!
Prosecution: The prosecution objects to that objection!
Ito: Siddown, (whispering to bailiff) whassername?
Bailiff: (whispering back) Marcia, sir.
Ito: I knew that. Siddown, Marcia! You too, Johnny!
Defense: Your honor, the defense objects to being called by its first name.
Prosecution: Your honor, the prosecution objects to the defense referring to itself in the third person!
Defense: The defense argues that the prosecution is doing it too, so there! (sticking tongue out at prosecution)
Ito: Zzzz... (Being prodded by bailiff) Huh? Whazzat? Whozzer?
Defendant: That's it! I'm sick of this! I confess! I'm guilty!
Prosecution: Your honor, the prosecution objects to the defendant being allowed to speak in front of the jury!
Ito: Sustained. Will the defendant please refrain from... Zzz...
Defendant: Didn't you people hear me! I said I'm guilty! I did it!
Newscaster: Let's go to Greta Van Sustern in New York to hear the repercussions of Judge Ito falling asleep again. Greta?
Greta: I think Ito has recovered well from his hip surgery last year, even despite the kidney stones. This trial is putting a little wear and tear on the normally chipper judge.
Defense: Your honor, the defense argues that Mr. Simpson did not check with either us or his publicist before making that statement, so we are not liable for anything he says, jury here or otherwise.
Ito: (SNORE!)
Defendant: (Slitting wrists) I did it! I, uh, also embezzled money! Yeah, that's it! Embezzling's bad! Better take me to prison! (Maniacal laughter)
Bailiff: (To typist) So whaddya say? You and me, tropical beaches...?
Typist: (Giggling) Tee-hee!
Prosecution: Objection, your honor! I thought Resolution No. 243,167.5 disallowed tee-hees in the courtroom!
Bailiff: (Quietly) Your honor, wake up.
Ito: I'll wake up when I darn well feel like it! You can come tell me what to do when you're 87 years old!!!! And for that matter,... Zzzz...
Defendant: That's it! I'm leaving! (Leaves)
Typist: Wait! Bailiff and I are coming with you! (Rushes off with bailiff)
Prosecution: Your honor, we object to the bailiff being named simply Bailiff! This comedic sketch shows no originality!
Ito: (Seizing chest) Ahh!! Paramedics! Help me! Help! (Goes stiff and silent)
Defense: Your honor, the defense objects to the heavy use of parentheses in that last phrase!
Prosecution: The prosecution objects to not being allowed to object before the defense!
Defense: The defense argues that we're the ones defending, and should go first.
Prosecution: The prosecution argues that we don't get cool BMWs, and should go first.
Ito: (Coming back to life) Hello?! I'm dying here! (Slumps back down)
Defendant: (Popping head in courtroom) Um, Johnny, your Mercedes got a dent in it.
Defense: WHAT??!!!! (Runs out of courtroom with defendant)
Prosecution: Hah! He left! We win by forfeit!
Bailiff Number 2: (Yes, there was a second one. He was just really quiet :-)) I didn't want to mention this, but, um, did you notice the defendant left?
Prosecution: WHAT??!!!! (Runs out of courtroom after defendant)
Ito: Hello?! Anybody there?! I'm dead here!! Can I at least get a close up on Court TV?! HELLO??!!!!